AMBER ALERT

THE CITY OF ARLINGTON HAS POSTED AN AMBER ALERT FOR TIFFANY KIRKLAND ON JULY 31, 2006 AT 10:12 AM. TIFFANY IS A VERY ATTRACTIVE BLONDE FEMALE, 5'5", SOUTHERN ACCENT, LIKELY SINGING ALONG TO A DIXIE CHICKS SONG.



SHE HAS BEEN KNOWN TO CARRY FIREARMS WHEN IT IS DUCK SEASON, SO USE EXTREME CAUTION WHEN APPROACHING. TIFFANY WAS LAST SEEN IN ARLINGTON ON JANUARY 13, 2006. TIFFANY WAS THE CAPTAIN OF HER HIGH SCHOOL SOCCER TEAM SO HER FRIENDS WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO SEE HER BACK IN ARLINGTON THIS WED, AUGUST 2ND, FOR 5 ON 5 SOCCER AT MELINDA'S HOUSE. IF YOU HAVE SEEN TIFFANY, PLEASE COMMENT BELOW TO HER WHEREABOUTS SO THAT WE MAY TRACK HER DOWN. THANK YOU.

soccer game yesterday

It was a rough game out there yesterday. It was a 5 on 4 "friendly." On one side, we had:

Fabian "My feet sweat" Camargo
Melinda "Shoot first Pass second" Metz
Chris "Skills" Skillman
Tommy "Which way is our goal again?" Reiser

On the other side, I swear they had a full team of 11 people, but the only 5 I can remember offhand are:

Tamara "Pitbull" Ashby
Claire "I only cook it up on the soccer field" Downey
Jo "I can't believe I'm out here with these clowns" Voytus
Ashley "knees = crossbar" Manos
Omari "Tommy can't remember my last name because I cross-checked him so hard running down the field" .......

For those of you like myself that passed First Grade math in fewer than 2 - wait, make that 3 - attempts, you'll clearly see that A does not equal B. Jeremy was supposed to be our 5th player to even things up, but we had to play a man down when he was given an early Red Card for hooking up with Tamara in Belize.

Our team (we'll just refer to ourselves as "Team that didn't cheat") put up a valliant effort for the first 3:06. At that point, balls starting shooting off the feet of Omari and Jo, thru the cones, and into the creek like a berretta fire at Euclid and 17th on a Saturday night. Once it was about 13 to 1 and we had been playing for all of 5 minutes, it was mutually decided to take a water break and switch goals. Yes, I'm sure that will make a difference I thought to myself. Clearly, we will be so much better when pointed to the north end of this fucking 110 degree rainforest that Melinda led us into. Poor Fabian had lost 5 pounds of water weight by "halftime." 3 of that was in his shoes.

So it was game on again, and to my complete amazement, Jo quickly headed a ball in the goal from about 83 feet. I was close to puking up a lung by the 2 minute point when Omari somehow put a ball between my legs and clubbed me to the ground in one fell swoop, scoring goal number infinity for the other side (who we'll just refer to as "Team that had a zillion players"). Anyway, I blacked out for most of the rest of the game. I remember something about pushing Ashley down, talking smack to an orange cone, and trying to convince a dog passing by to join our team thinking that it was Air Bud. Turned out to be a deft footed squirell. Live and learn.

We dined on some lovely pork, burgers, and tibouli back on Melinda's porch while she told us all about how much she hated her sister because of how hard Sarma worked for 8 years of school to become a successful dentist or something. Or because she owned a jet ski - I really didn't understand any of that conversation. I was still hallucinating due to massive heat exhaustion and wondering why half the table were dressed as ninjas and the other half pirates. I came to this morning and realized again why I musn't ever again play soccer. Or at least until next Wednesday...

popped collars

So, since you lazy bastards never post anything on here (come on, July 5th!), I've decided I needed to post again. But because I am South Carolinian educated, I have only so many words that I can spell, much less string together in a coherent sentence. Combine that with the fact that I now live in Adam's Morgan, accounting for my new proclivity to steal, and you get the story below. It's from a dude's post the other day who also lives in NW DC. I thought it was funny so I'm passing along...

...Seriously, people, I thought we were done with this shit. I thought that even Georgetown douchebags had realized that "popping" your collar was lame. We covered this a year ago, for Christ's sake! I can't believe we have to do it again! But apparently some of you missed the memo.

When my wife and I took my parents to see Georgetown and Alexandria last weekend, I couldn't throw a rock without hitting some idiot with his collar up, which was kind of a good thing, because I like throwing rocks. I don't know if this is a Washington-exclusive form of douchebaggery but I certainly don't wish it on any other city.

So, all you people out there in your pink polo shirts with the little green men-on-horses or your white polo shirts with your gigantic multi-colored men-on-horses on the left breast, listen up. But first a quick aside: Why the gigantic multi-colored horse? Were you worried that someone might see you and not notice a regular sized man-on-horse? Did it scare you that they might think you're not a douchebag? Anyway, if you are considering "popping" your collar (or even worse, half-popping it like a half-in-the-bag JJ Redick) please first refer to the following flow chart. It should help you make the right decision before you go out this weekend. http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4166/1265/1600/Collar%20poppin.0.jpg

Ok. That's my effort for the day. I'm really tired of supporting this 4754 blog effort single handedly. I'm happy to start providing updates on behalf of everyone else if I have to. In fact, here's what everyone is up to since July 5:

Tamara: "Not much news to report except, oh, I still didn't make out with Jermemy in Belize. Gotta run - expecting tooth fairy over for dinner"
Kazu: "Things going well in Japan. I miss my fishing tackle though. I think Tamara's ex-bf Mark probably stole it."
Fabian: "Yep, Mark definitley took all your fishing shit, Kaz. I spent July figuring out directions to my office that I hadn't been to in 5 weeks."
T-HO: "Who the hell am I?"
Jnet: "I just ran from Portland to San Francisco today. Running to San Diego tonight. Taking a red eye run to Vegas. Gotta run, bye"
Brooke: "I spent 3 hours today trying to find a word to rhyme with "Vanderpool" for a limerick I'm writing for the blog"

4754

Since we are all playing soccer today, I thought I'd take the opportunity to say a few things about the "sport."

Why I don’t like soccer
By Tommy Reiser

1. Soccer is boring. Absurdly slow. I actually heard a stat that said a soccer “athlete” will "run" 4 miles in a game. Newsflash: that means they are jogging less than 3 damn miles per hour. Translation: they are mostly standing around.
2. Girlie penalty cards. Pretty sure these are the same ones Richard Simmons uses for dieting system. What purpose do they serve?
3. Penalty kicks to determine the game. Pointless. It’s like when settling a basketball game with foul shots or me trying to date Melinda. Simply pointless.
4. Tie games. Ties suck. Please see entry on why I hate hockey and my summer job working as a bank teller.
5. Soccer hairdos. Bring that shit to the west side of Columbia and you’ll get your ass cut.
6. Pretty sure half of all soccer players are gay.
7. Pretty sure other half of soccer players have chicks hotter than I could ever get. These are the ones that are bi.
8. The over exaggeration and dive taking every fucking time another player comes near them when they have the ball. Can you imagine this happening in football or chess? “Make another aggressive slide move for my rook you commie bastard and I’ll dive, squealing like a prodded pig to the cafeteria floor” (only funny for those of you who also played chess during lunch in middle/high school/college).
9. You can’t use your hands. Wait… it really is like dating Melinda.
10. Soccer dudes use one name. Though if my kid tries to play soccer, he will not have a last name either. He’ll just be “Ashton” the soccer player.
11. Soccer fans. If you are going to paint faces, get drunk, beat up each other, and flip over/set fire to cars when you lose/win, you should at least have a degree from U of Maryland.
12. ESPN highlights. A game could end 0-0 and there still be 3 minutes of footage. It’s like if they showed 3 minutes of Fabian ALMOST scoring on me in basketball. Why bother.
13. Speaking of 0, it’s ZERO, not nil. “Nil” is gay. Cross reference item 6.
14. Goalie wears a different color jersey than all other teammates. I’m sure hockey goalies and baseball catchers just haven’t evolved into this higher form of play.
15. Speaking of shirts – what the hell is up with players taking off and switching shirts after a game or after scoring a goal? I don’t need to see your nipple ring or “I love giving headers” tattoo.
16. Soccer Apologists. Tired of hearing that “it’s not popular in the US because it wasn’t started here.” Basketball and Football were started by Canadians and they do ok, right? Sidenote: Canada isn’t even popular in the US.
17. Playing soccer is not really athletic activity. Let’s use the Olympics as a barometer: It is pretty obvious that those countries that lack any athletic prowess (ie. England and France) are successful at soccer. Meanwhile, countries where soccer is “unpopular” win every other athletic competition. If a= b+c, then d+gay minus timeouts = soccer = non sport.
18. I think I just covered time outs, but seriously, no timeouts = no domino’s-make-a-goal-for-pizza competition, no dancing girls, and no time for fan kissing cam (much to displeasure of pent up man-on-man energy in crowd).
19. Fan cheering. It goes on the entire game. Celebrates nothing – there’s no rhyme or reason. Only incessant horns, whistles, drums, and tribal bellowing. Don’t get me started on the songs.
20. Yeah, winning a soccer game every 4 years is a wondrous event in your nation's history. I get it. Now get back to mastering indoor plumbing little Nation wannabes.

Allez les Bleus!!!

My boys are representing!! Not a pretty game today but a W nonetheless. Next up, Italy, a very tough team, but I can't even believe that we're in the finals. One more big game and this could be #2. See you Sunday for the happy or sad post ;)