4754

Since we are all playing soccer today, I thought I'd take the opportunity to say a few things about the "sport."

Why I don’t like soccer
By Tommy Reiser

1. Soccer is boring. Absurdly slow. I actually heard a stat that said a soccer “athlete” will "run" 4 miles in a game. Newsflash: that means they are jogging less than 3 damn miles per hour. Translation: they are mostly standing around.
2. Girlie penalty cards. Pretty sure these are the same ones Richard Simmons uses for dieting system. What purpose do they serve?
3. Penalty kicks to determine the game. Pointless. It’s like when settling a basketball game with foul shots or me trying to date Melinda. Simply pointless.
4. Tie games. Ties suck. Please see entry on why I hate hockey and my summer job working as a bank teller.
5. Soccer hairdos. Bring that shit to the west side of Columbia and you’ll get your ass cut.
6. Pretty sure half of all soccer players are gay.
7. Pretty sure other half of soccer players have chicks hotter than I could ever get. These are the ones that are bi.
8. The over exaggeration and dive taking every fucking time another player comes near them when they have the ball. Can you imagine this happening in football or chess? “Make another aggressive slide move for my rook you commie bastard and I’ll dive, squealing like a prodded pig to the cafeteria floor” (only funny for those of you who also played chess during lunch in middle/high school/college).
9. You can’t use your hands. Wait… it really is like dating Melinda.
10. Soccer dudes use one name. Though if my kid tries to play soccer, he will not have a last name either. He’ll just be “Ashton” the soccer player.
11. Soccer fans. If you are going to paint faces, get drunk, beat up each other, and flip over/set fire to cars when you lose/win, you should at least have a degree from U of Maryland.
12. ESPN highlights. A game could end 0-0 and there still be 3 minutes of footage. It’s like if they showed 3 minutes of Fabian ALMOST scoring on me in basketball. Why bother.
13. Speaking of 0, it’s ZERO, not nil. “Nil” is gay. Cross reference item 6.
14. Goalie wears a different color jersey than all other teammates. I’m sure hockey goalies and baseball catchers just haven’t evolved into this higher form of play.
15. Speaking of shirts – what the hell is up with players taking off and switching shirts after a game or after scoring a goal? I don’t need to see your nipple ring or “I love giving headers” tattoo.
16. Soccer Apologists. Tired of hearing that “it’s not popular in the US because it wasn’t started here.” Basketball and Football were started by Canadians and they do ok, right? Sidenote: Canada isn’t even popular in the US.
17. Playing soccer is not really athletic activity. Let’s use the Olympics as a barometer: It is pretty obvious that those countries that lack any athletic prowess (ie. England and France) are successful at soccer. Meanwhile, countries where soccer is “unpopular” win every other athletic competition. If a= b+c, then d+gay minus timeouts = soccer = non sport.
18. I think I just covered time outs, but seriously, no timeouts = no domino’s-make-a-goal-for-pizza competition, no dancing girls, and no time for fan kissing cam (much to displeasure of pent up man-on-man energy in crowd).
19. Fan cheering. It goes on the entire game. Celebrates nothing – there’s no rhyme or reason. Only incessant horns, whistles, drums, and tribal bellowing. Don’t get me started on the songs.
20. Yeah, winning a soccer game every 4 years is a wondrous event in your nation's history. I get it. Now get back to mastering indoor plumbing little Nation wannabes.